Twilight's Edge

Hi! You've reached what used to be my spirituality journal. You can still see those entries below; I've left them up and open in case anyone's interested. Since I wasn't actively using this account, I've decided to rename and repurpose it, and this post marks the transition to a friends-locked, invite-only writing journal. (If anyone on the writing f-list is reading back, feel free to keep going, but there's pretty much no writing-related material beyond this point.)

FYI, I'm switching over to a new journal: shefytbast. If you're still interested in hearing what I have to say, please add the new account to your f-list.

Thanks!

So I've had my Shemsu naming ceremony, and my shiny new name is Shefytbast. The weekend beforehand, I was lucky enough to actually get a chance to meet Hemet (AUS) and a few other members of the House, which was something I really wanted to do before taking the Shemsu vows. Everyone was lovely, so overall I'm feeling very good about where and how I am on this path.

The pheasant was drumming right under my window this morning. I think he's a good omen. ^_^

( More stuff about the RPD )

In other news, there's been a ring-necked pheasant hanging out around my house. Last weekend I kept hearing this screechy squawk-honk, and I couldn't figure out what it was--it didn't sound like one of the Canada geese. Finally on Sunday evening I saw him walking around out back. (I even got to see him go to bed in one of our pine trees.) He's been screeching and drumming a lot, though I think he's moved across the street now, so I wonder if he's looking for a mate.

Did my yearly planting of pansies last weekend as well. I don't think I'm going to manage more than sporadic gardening efforts this year, but at least I've done that much.

In other, other news, I'm really not happy with the job-thing at the moment. I think this is going to have to end up being another post sometime, but for the moment suffice to say that this is probably going to be a test of my resolution not to worry about making a big mistake.

But for this weekend, I'm pretty much just going to be *thud,* since I'm getting over a cold, and wow am I tired.

Very brief update, basically of the "I'm not dead" variety. I had my Rite of Parental Divination a few days ago, on my birthday (spiritual and physical birthday on the same day! *is so happy* ^_^), and have been divined as a daughter of Bast (big surprise there) and beloved of Nut and Amun-Ra. Nut *was* a surprise--I had a whole long list of Netjeru in my RPD questionnaire, but I'd never thought of her at all--but upon reflection I think I can see places where she was glimmering through in the past. Amun-Ra...it's interesting--in the moment, immediately upon being divined, I was entirely glowy and filled with the rightness of these Gods, but after the fact I find myself wrestling with doubt. Amun-Ra could be my Lord of the Sun/Lord of the Wind duality...but is he really? I'm so paranoid that there might be some kind of usurpation going on that I'm having trouble relaxing and hearing what the Gods themselves have to say on the matter. I think I'm just thinking too much. There're no intimations that anything's wrong--in fact, I had a nice, calm experience outside this morning--so it's probably just my over-fevered brain teaming up with my trust issues. So I'm making a conscious effort to just go along with things and see how they all turn out. I declared my intent to become Shemsu while I was glowy, and I'm still going ahead with that. My Naming ceremony is hopefully on the 27th, which gives me a couple of weeks to beat my nervous twitch into submission. (Or, more accurately, to ponder and journal on it, and try to figure out exactly *why* this is bothering me.)

I kind of stumbled around pointlessly today, which means that I have ten tons of stuff to do tomorrow. Which means that it's not all going to get done, because I really need relaxation on my weekend. I suppose I should mention that our office just moved, which meant packing up right on top of an issue going to press. Very bad scheduling, but what're you going to do? Plus I'm still acclimating to the loss of my friend/co-worker, so lots of stress there. I'm trying hard not to think about whether the package I left out for the messenger on Friday ever got picked up, because if it wasn't, I'm screwed, and there's nothing I can do about it until Monday, so there's no point in angsting and spoiling my weekend.

There seems to be a lot of not-thinking-about going on with me right now. Letting go, just letting go.... *breathes*

May have something to write about the rest of my divination later, but for now I think I need to crash.

Whew. So yeah, it's been a while. I've been going through another low phase, where pretty much all I want to do is vegetate in front of the TV. I seem to be getting back on top of my life now, though--I felt strong this weekend, got a lot of stuff done, and the last couple of weeks have generally been good. So we'll see.

The dynamic at work has changed. My friend/co-worker was let go (for financial reasons), so now there's just the editor and me. On the one hand, *major* stress, because now I have to do all her work on top of my own, plus the editor wants me to do more editing and development as well. On the other hand, I don't have to deal with the emotional fall-out of my co-worker constantly feeling snubbed by the editor and being unhappy about it. (For the last several months I've felt like I was betraying my friend every time I did something that clicked with the editor, so I ended up putting up a wall of apathy and trying not to interact with anybody. Of course, that only added to my own disaffection and unhappiness.) I also do think that having more responsibility may help to break me out of my slump of boredom and burn-out. Either that, or it'll kill me. That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger? Pretty much a textbook case, I guess. But for the moment I've decided to stay and see how things settle.

Went back and read my earlier posts again, and realized that not only have I made no progress with my New Year's resolutions (except for the developing of spiritual practice, which has been slow but not forgotten), but I also haven't managed to get over my block about allowing myself some escapism now and then. (By which I mean good and inspiring escapism, not the mental switch-off of watching reality TV.) *Fun,* dammit! Need more fun!

In other news, I've finished the KO beginners' course and have moved up to remetj status. I'm currently waiting, with all the fidgety impatience that seems to be typical of my class, to get the questionnaire for the Rite of Parent Divination. I'm still doing the "everything's nice but I'm just not sure it's really for me" thing, which I'm starting to think is just some kind of Rum-Tum-Tugger syndrome--if you offer me pheasant, I'd rather have grouse. Or, more accurately: "Oh, no, thanks, I'm fine." "Oh, no, I couldn't possibly." "Really, I'm not hungry at all!" *pounce* *chompchompchomp* My obsession with CLAMP's manga started very similarly. ("Look at this character! He's this big!" *makes teeny-tiny gesture* "And his eyes are huge! Who even looks like that?...oh my god, I have to see more of this.") So I'm putting the whole question of whether or not House of Netjer is my true destiny on the shelf for the moment--I'm here, I'm doing the work, and seriously, after the beginners' course I have a good basic grounding but there's still so much to learn that I can't possibly say that I've penetrated into what Kemetic Reconstructionism is all about. I know that I'm not put off by what I've seen so far, I'm still interested in learning more, and I'm ready to take the next step on the path and see what the view's like from there. And I suspect that worrying so much about finding the perfect slot with my name on it is a straw dog anyway. (Is that even the right term? Bah, too tired at the moment to formulate the thought properly. Was up most of last night worrying about plumbing.)

And I'm still nesting. Will it ever end?

I didn't have work today, and it was beautiful, sunny, and mild, so I went for an awesome walk. It took me a little over two hours, so I guess it was about four or five miles? I'm probably going to be a bit sore tomorrow, but what better way to spend the last day of 2004? Which overall has not been one of my better years, so I really hope 2005 takes off in a new direction.

Speaking of which, I'm toying with the idea of finding a new job. While I still love the magazine itself, I'm starting to feel really burnt out and crunchy, I find the new editor (look, I'm still calling her "new," almost a year later :P) stressful to work with, and I feel like there's such a pattern of negativity that's built up between her and me and my friend/co-worker, and I don't know how to shift it. I'm not sure I want to, anyway--I just feel like I want to break out, take off somewhere, start fresh, and there'll never be a better time. (Plus it'd be really nice not to have the two-hours-each-way commute anymore.) On the other hand, I'm not especially good with decisions and change. So, we'll see. If anybody knows someone who'd like a slightly used editor (twelve years experience), a little crispy around the edges, please let me know. ^_^

Some New Year's resolutions:

- Have fun! Live life a little.
- Continue to develop and deepen my spiritual practice.
- Work toward finishing my epic fanfiction project this year.
- Break various compulsive habits, including:
- obsessive web surfing
- turning the TV on for "noise"
- buying things I don't need

I think that should keep me busy. *g*

Years ago now, I had a dream. It was just a single still image: four red cardinal birds in a cross pattern, surrounded by a circle of black crows, against a backdrop of snow. It was very simple but vivid, and I considered it a kind of personal mandala for a long time.

Last night, I dreamed that I had a cardinal bird in the house. (It wasn't a real cardinal, though--it had a round head with no crest, was kind of blobby-looking, and its color was a washed-out red.) Mom was in the dream, and she was watching the bird in the bathroom to make sure that it didn't hurt itself or get lost or stuck somewhere. I had taken a bunch of pictures of the bird and was planning to Photoshop them together to recreate the mandala from the previous dream, but the pictures were all blurry and none of them were quite the right pose. Also, I needed pictures of crows, so I headed out to take some, only to find myself wandering in the dark by the side of the road.

I guess you can never go back. Or maybe it's that you just can't fake these things, these mysteries that come when they will. Or both.

I dreamed of Dad too, last night. We were in Hungary, and there was a great confusion of miscellaneous relatives coming and going and me mislaying my passport and having to go back to the family's house to get it. I ended up having to take my paperwork to a local office and navigate the bureaucracy by myself; fortunately a woman there spoke English. I think this was probably just a typical mild anxiety dream.

I can't think of anything to say about the tsunami disaster. All words are inadequate.

Whew. So, yeah, it's been a while since I posted here. As mentioned last time, I've been working on getting things together on the RL plane--transferring assets, sorting through belongings, putting some new personal touches on the house, stuff like that. I've pretty much done everything now except the kitchen and the basement, and a few odds and ends in my den. The kitchen I'm thinking I'll tackle on one of the next two weekends, since both of them are long. The basement? Might have to wait until spring.

In metaphysical news, I finally applied for the beginners' class at House of Netjer. We're about halfway through, and so far I'm enjoying it--it's interesting, the Senut rite is really valuable, and I still find the people very warm and likable. I'm not sure if I'm going to stay with Kemetic Orthodoxy after the end of the class, though I'm desperately curious about the parental divination rite, so I think I'm going to have to get that done at least. My main qualm about staying with KO is that I just don't feel a passionate draw toward All Things Egyptian. It's interesting, yeah. A lot of stuff is interesting. It has a number of elements that work for me. So do other paths. I would worry less about my lack of profound identification with Kemet if it weren't a reconstructionist religion--HoN makes a big point about how they're not just a religion but a whole Kemetic culture, and I feel, I don't know, not quite committed enough. On the other hand, maybe this commitment is something that I'm growing into quietly, so quietly that I'm not even noticing it happen. So I'm going to give everything a bit more time. In any case, it's a worthwhile experience.

Here's an amusing little story from the gathering of my shrine materials. ( The Gods have a sense of humor. )

Fandom-wise, I'm very blah right now. But I think I've realized at least part of the problem with my writing, which has been less than satisfactory lately: I've been struggling and straining to output, and I haven't been giving myself enough input. I've barely watched any videos or gone to any movies or done any reading, and most of what I've been watching on TV has been reality fare like The Amazing Race, Animal Cops, and various home decorating shows. (I've really been into the nesting. It must be a bereavement thing.) Weird as it might seem, I think I've been avoiding creative input in the fear that it will suck me in and fling me into a new obsession and I won't get any writing done on my main project--but I'm not getting any writing done anyway, so sheesh! I guess I might as well give in and watch and/or read the stuff. I think there was also some element of fearing escapism--that if I gave into it I'd just retreat into my own little world and not be able to face the demands of my current reality. My psyche is so bizarre sometimes. ^_^ But anyway, I think I need to make that a priority for next year: to have fun, to allow myself some escapism.

I'm also kind of torn because I'd like to make some local Pagan contacts, but I'm shy of getting sucked into drama and weirdness. It's the fear of distractions again. Maybe I'll wait and see how I feel once I've finished the HoN course. I'm also thinking of attending the Ecumenicon conference next year. I've wanted to go for ages, but I could never think of how to explain where I was going to Dad, so it just seemed simpler not to. The only problem now is that it's the weekend before Lunacon, to which I definitely am committed. That's a big double whammy of conventions--though I've done it before, attending Anime Expo and Shoujocon within the space of two weeks. (And that was across the continent, so I should be able to manage traveling between New Jersey and Virginia.) In any case, their pre-reg deadline is coming up, so I have to decide soon.

Holiday-wise? I'm not really feeling it this year. I'm sort of muddling through gifting, and I'm kind of looking forward to getting past it all and on with the new year. But I'm happy in one respect. I was struggling with the idea of decorating--I really didn't want to put up our big artificial tree. (It seemed wrong, like trying to do "life as usual" with a false cheer.) My little tree somehow felt too fake. I thought about buying a potted miniature pine, but I didn't want the responsibility for trying to keep it alive, and I didn't want to buy it just to let it die after the holidays. The thought of buying cut branches depressed me. But on Sunday I was outside puttering around the property after my walk, and I found enough fallen pine branches to garland the mantel. So I feel much better. (I might even get around to stringing a few lights. Maybe.)

And that's about it for my life right now. Oh, just as a final note: on Friday, I had to run a CD up to our designer at the end of the day, so I found myself walking to the 23rd Street PATH station right about at twilight, through an unfamiliar neighborhood of trendy-looking restaurants. And I was thinking about possibilities, all the thousand thousand lives I'll never lead, all those people that I'm not, and how different life must be in all those worlds. And I stopped at the corner of 23rd to look up at the buildings, white and floodlit against a gloaming sky, and I felt something then that must be like the Japanese concept of aware, the ethereal poignancy of things. This moment will never come again. Some kind of change may be coming; I don't know if it's a personal change, or something more world-affecting. Or I could be imagining it--wishful thinking. Nonetheless, the impression persists. Beauty. Impermanence.